My son has PTSD. I am his trigger, and I am his comfort.
When we found out, I felt so extremely guilty. My post-partum depression was not my fault, but it caused…I caused… so much hurt. There is a tension there, not wanting to take on false guilt, but having to deal with the consequences of actions that came from me.
My son’s PTSD makes him believe that he needs me for everything. If I am not sitting right beside him, he is not safe. Of course, that is impossible. To live in this city I have to work. To keep myself healthy, I have to spend time away from him. To take care of our home, I have to do things that he doesn’t want me to do. To make my daughter and husband feel loved, I have to take time with them alone. And every time I have to tell him that I can not be beside him, he feels fear, he cries, he clings to me. And my heart breaks a little.
They say that it will get better one day. If I keep playing purposefully with him for 10 minutes a day, if I keep calm in all my interactions with him, he will one day be able to let go of me.
But today, it feels like I can’t do enough. No matter what I do, some one is hurting because of that choice. My son is missing me. My daughter is missing me. My husband is missing me. I am missing me.
It is in these hopeless places that I feel my need for God; I need Him to fill in all the places where I am not enough; where I don’t have the power to heal, He does. Where I don’t have the patience to stay calm, He does. Where I don’t have the wisdom to make the healthiest decisions for my son, He does. When I make a mistake, He has the solution. When I am done, He continues.
This is life abundant; to live the best I can, and trust that God will fill in the gaps, bother before me and behind me.
“You have searched me, Lord , and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord , know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”
Psalm 139:1-12 NIV
https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.139.1-12.NIV
mylifeabundant 