An emotional rant

I had planned to enter into a sugar detox while on vacation. I was feeling terrible physically after whole 30. Every little thing gave me a headache, or upset stomach or messed up my sleep. I knew that eating better would help that, I thought that a sugar detox would be easy after whole 30. But on day 2 I got a detox migraine, after being in the car for 8 hours, with fighting children, and now waiting for them to go to sleep. I knew I couldn’t do it…it wasn’t fair to my family to purposefully go through detox while on vacation. I couldn’t be moody and irritable.  It would ruin our trip….but now I’m sitting here with a stomach ache because I was stress eating all day. I went from one side of the spectrum to the other.

Where are the support groups for the days when your not following a specific plan? What is eating healthy for me? What is eating healthy for my family?

I’m feeling attacked by commercialism….like they are on a rampage against being healthy. They make everything look so good, they make my kids think eating healthily is a chore and bad for them. How to you hide from it? How do you get away? I’m just mad tonight that our society has made it so expensive and inconvenient to be healthy. How do I raise my kids to fight back against these lies of advertising?

It means being a counter-cultural family, and I don’t know if I have the energy to be that. It takes energy to find good food, it takes energy to make good food. It takes energy to convince yourself to eat good food, and even more energy to convince your family to eat it too. It takes the most energy to deal with the withdrawls of yourself and your kids at the same time, and then your cravings and the cravings of your kids as well. All of this is just the food part, then there’s the stress it puts on your budget. The time it takes to do everything from scratch…and the extra time you have to work to afford to eat the good food all the time.

I’m mad…at society for making us addicted to food’ s that make us feel bad, and for making it hard to get away from them.

End rant

Now what do I do about it?

Here we go again:)

I’m back at it, entering a program that will hopefully change the way I look at food and the way I interact with it. Starting on Monday, I will be doing the 21 Day Sugar Detox. It is similar to whole 30 actually, but is more focused on breaking the sugar addictions many have.

Hi my name is Jenny, and I am a sugar addict!

The first step is admitting it, right?

I don’t feel that whole 30 was fully successful for me for a few reasons, 1) I was doing it for S and not for me. 2) I never broke my addiction to food, I just changed the foods I was addicted to. 3) I had a major slip up, which meant the benefits for my body were not fully realized.

Let me expand on these.

1. I was doing it for S and not for me. I was doing it purely to be a support to my husband. I never dreamed that at the end I would react to different foods. But that’s what happened. When I reintroduced foods, my body was not happy. Headaches, exhaustion and increased feelings of depression are the result of grains, sugar and dairy in my diet. I don’t like these feelings, but for a few days I rebelled against that. I didn’t like the headaches, but I ate sugar and grains anyways. I didn’t want to feel tired, but I had a bunch of bread anyways. At first, I blamed lack of will power. ” I can’t do it.” But today, I realized that it was just “I won’t do it.” I have refused to even contemplate giving up these foods. I have refused to even think that life without these things would be livable, or even better! I hope that the attitude change I feel right now will get me to the other side of this detox. Today I say to myself, ” Stop acting like a victim, own your health and detox like a boss! Kick those sugar cravings in the can!”
2. I never broke my addiction to food. During whole 30, yes, I couldn’t have the sugar or the fried foods I loved. But I could (and did) eat copious amounts of fruit. I still ate at all hours of the day in response to my emotions. I still used food as my quick fix, it was just healthier food. The 21 DSD is different in that it cuts almost all fruits and sweet tasting things (like sweet potato) out of your diet. It is a hard core retraining of your body and taste buds. And honestly, now that I’ve experienced how severe the cravings can be while you detox, I hope I can be better prepared so that on day 15 when things are at their worst, but they are about to turn around, I don’t give in to the doughnut calling my name! The goal of this is to kick this addiction I have, and since I am doing it with just S and not my kids, I won’t feel like I have to deal with their experiences as well as my own.
3. As mentioned before, I gave into my cravings on day 15 of the whole 30. Right when the cravings are supposed to go away. So, although I lost weight and experienced more energy, I never experienced the craving free life. I’m hoping that I will be able to push through this time and make it to the other side. I’m hoping that once I get a taste of what life can be like with no severe cravings, I will never turn back! I hope!

I’m excited for this experience, and am preparing myself a bit differently.

1. I already know (From whole 30) many recipes that I love and that will work well with 21 DSD. PLUS! I can have bacon, deli meats, and Whole Fat Plain Yogurt, which adds a lot of options for me actually.
2. I will be receiving daily e-mails from the 21 DSD community. These will include inspiration, recipe ideas, meal plan ideas, testimonies and encouragement. I think that this will help a lot with my frustration of having to think of meals to eat, which was the HARDEST thing about Whole 30 for me.
3.  I’m also part of a Facebook community so that on the really bad days I can get some support from real time people. I use a community like this to support my fitness, and find it’s really great for getting me through the days when I just want to give up.
4. I will be going deeper in my personal reflections. You may not see them, but they will be there. I really want to dig into the heart of my food addictions this time round, and since I won’t have to focus so much on my kids and their experiences, I will (hopefully) be able to do this!

So starting Monday, I will be a recovering sugar addict. Tread carefully for a few days, I may not be in the best mood!:)

Feelings and Logic don’t always work together!

I’ve been dreading writing this post. Not because I don’t want anyone to know it’s content, but because writing it makes it seem more real. I’ve reintroduced all of the “NO” foods into my diet, and low and behold, I react to ALL of them! I thought that after Whole 30 we would be on our way to better health for S, who has amazing will power and will barely be bothered if he has to give up food. Now I’ve realized that it is I who have to face giving up all these foods I love. Me, the one with crazy cravings and who has to fight with her entire will to say NO when they hit.

Sugar gives me headaches. Grains make me feel imbalanced. I feel sad and depressed after I eat them. Dairy makes me feel exhausted and lazy.

Of course, it should be an easy thing to do. After all, these are foods that make me feel bad. And I should want to feel good, right? Well, my feelings are not lining up with my logic. It feels like a huge sacrifice! It feels like it’s unfair. It feels like a difficult thing, too difficult for me to handle.

But in reality, it is an easy thing. My life will not be worse without these things, and I don’t have to choose to feel great every day. I can choose to feel unwell so that I can experience certain foods. Sometimes the pleasure of eating delicious food makes the consequences worth it. But that is a sometimes scenario, it should not be everyday. And if I’m honest with myself, I want most days to feel good. I want to go through them with no headaches, with lots of energy and happiness. It will make me a better mom, wife, friend, leader, teacher, woman.

Shouldn’t I want that for myself?

I’m still trying to get my whole being to say YES! I’m still trying to envision that life with sugar and grains and dairy is not as good as life without them. Still trying…it may take a while. Keep moving forward and I’ll get there eventually. One good decision at a time!

Practicing Sabbath

Sabbath is a biblical concept of rest. When God gave the ten commandments He asked the people of Israel to lay aside one day, Sabbath, to remain holy and to practice rest. There have been many interpretations of Sabbath. Some believe that it means ceasing all work and play. There are stories of children having to sit still for the entire day because it was the Sabbath. They had to study scripture and memorize it in order for this time to be holy. Others believe that it just means ceasing work, being lazy for a day, or not doing anything important. Some believe it should be on Saturday, some believe it should be Sunday. Still others believe that it can be any day. Some believe it is still important today, and others that it is an archaic concept that should be read about but not practiced.

For me, Sabbath is an active day, but it takes on a different image than the other days of the week. It can be practiced any day, in any place. It is the purposeful seeking of God and the letting go of the burdens we carry to find His rest.

Today was Sabbath. I really should practice it more often, it makes me a much better person. I have been feeling depressed and anxious this week, sad for no apparent reason (I suspect it’s food related actually, but that’s another blog post). I have not been connecting with God lately, I’ve been too busy. Thank goodness He loves me anyways! But when I don’t connect with Him, I feel it in my soul. Everything is off kilter, he is my centre and without Him I have life vertigo!

So today, I woke up knowing I needed a Sabbath day. At first I was just going to ask S to take the kids so I could be alone in the house. But our house is such a disaster right now, I knew I would spend the time cleaning instead of seeking. So staying at home was a no.

I wanted to do something during which I would need to seek God. Something in nature, as this is where I see him the most clearly. So I decided that we needed to go hiking as a family. S loves to hike, so I couldn’t very well leave him and the kids behind! But I wanted it to be challenging. I wanted to be reminded of how God spurs us on in difficult times. So we headed to the Grouse Grind!

Now, I’ve never done it before. But I knew it would be a challenge. Especially with both kids in tow. We actually though K would be fine, but L would be whining the whole way. The first 20 minutes were great…but only got us 1/8 of the way up the mountain. Then we stopped for snacks, and K started to ask to be carried. We reached the quarter mark and I was ready to go down. K was starting to be really difficult, we were exhausting our snacks to keep him happy and it had already been an hour. 3 more hours of this!?

But I couldn’t disappoint S. He had wanted to do this hike for so long, and I had really wanted to see what I was made of and see what God had for me. L really wanted to reach the top as well, so we could take the sky ride down. So we kept on.

There were many, many meltdowns by K. At several points he would begin a tantrum that required me to just sit down and hold him tight so he wouldn’t throw himself down the mountain. I’m sure people were thinking that we should just give up and take him back down the mountain, but at these points we were over halfway up. He would eventually calm down, and we would get a bit farther, then we would carry him for a while, then the cycle would start all over again. L was AMAZING! She would often go ahead of us and then wait. She didn’t complain, and at the end she looked up the mountain from the parking lot and said, ” I can’t believe I did that!” There was so much pride in her voice, and I think her self confidence sky rocketed!

After 4 hours, WE MADE IT! Not the Sabbath day I had envisioned, but I had so many images of God, I know that he was present with us. How many times does God hold us, kicking and screaming, keeping us safe so we don’t fall? How many times do we want to quit, crying out to God and being filled with strength to carry on? How many times are we surrounded by our spiritual family, encouraged to carry on so we can experience victory?

Finally, I just want to give a shout out to all the people who encouraged K when they passed us. There were 2 people who actually held his other hand and walked with us a ways. Those actions kept meltdowns at bay and moved us forward so much faster. There was also one woman who shared some rice crackers with us when I was holding a tantruming K. This helped him calm down, and the idea that she was ahead of us actually encouraged him to keep moving. All of this kindness from strangers helped get us to the top…God uses people in mysterious ways. Never think that small acts and words of kindness don’t matter. They mattered greatly to me today.

Sabbath can take many different forms. It is different for everyone, but one thing remains the same. God is there, and when you purposefully seek Him, you will find Him. Even while climbing a mountain with a screaming toddler!

Just Dance

I always thought that life was meant to be led in balance. Equal focus on each part of life, the physical, the spiritual, the emotional, the mental. Equal focus on all the different aspects of life, family, church, home, work. I’m realizing the impossibility of this statement.

While taking a class this summer, I was introduced to the idea of living life as a series of rhythms. For a while the rhythm beats to the song of family, then it changes to a fast paced coping in a crisis, then slows again with a focus on the inner self. Each rhythm can focus on one thing, or it can be a combining of different paces and intensity. This seems to suit the flow of life better than the concept of balance, as life never seems to be led in exact measurements and perfect planning.

And we are dancers. We can choose to change our steps to match the rhythm, or we can fight against it and try to change the beat. I have never had much success with that, rather I find that I am happier when I embrace the rhythms surrounding me and trust that I (with God’s help) will be able to keep time until it changes again. On my own, I would stumble and fall, especially when things begin moving faster, but with God leading me I find that I am full of grace. Sometimes, I may even need to stand on His feet, letting Him take the steps for me, but we are still dancing.

And the beat goes on.

Mission Possible

I feel like I’m on a mission to discover foods that will help my body rather than hinder it. That will make my taste buds happy instead of induce my gag reflex. I want this for my family as well. My mom says that one of the smartest things she did as a young parent was make a list of healthy, easy, tasty meals that were generally well liked. This helped on those crazy days when she just wanted to throw in the spatula and go to McDonalds (which honestly was a lot knowing what I know about myself and my three siblings). Now that we’re done Whole 30 and figuring out what HEALTHY will be for us, I’m going to start my lists. Here are the Sanders Family Food Guidelines:

1. Avoid processed and refined foods.
2. Avoid added sugar whenever possible, use natural sweeteners when you must!
3. Avoid legumes and grains (once in a while is OK, but limit to twice a week)
4. Ingredients should all be understandable.
5. Budget friendly!
6. Eat foods that add to our health.
7. Do not eat foods that make us feel bad.
8. Eat in moderation, portioning food if necessary.
9. It must taste good (to at least one of us).

TREATS SHOULD BE EXTRA-ORDINARY!

Extra-ordinary means not an everyday occurrence. It means that it should be something that takes time and special ingredients to make or that we have to go somewhere special to get it. It means something to be savored and something that satisfies.

The Sanders family is extra-ordinary, we deserve extra-ordinary treats!

I’ll be making my lists in the next few weeks, and will post them here. Feel free to send me ideas:)

After Whole 30- First Few Days

We decided to add legumes into out diets first. We had roasted chickpeas and hummus the first day. The second day we had peanut butter. The third we had Lentil Salad. All seemed fine until last night. S had stomach issues, and then again this morning. It wasn’t the worst he’s had, but it was bad enough that we are putting the legumes away until the end of the reintroduction period.

Today we began adding in grains. I made Stir Fry with Brown rice for supper. It’s so funny how good things like brown rice taste when you haven’t had any grains in so long. Before Whole 30 I didn’t care for it at all, and neither did the kids. But today it tasted so good! Both myself and the kids were wishing for more by the end of the meal. I guess we will wait a few days and see if any of the other gluten free grains set S off or not.

We have also added in small amounts of sugar. It seems as though that is my biggest trigger. Even just a little seems to set my mood off and make me tired. L and K had a fantastic day, so I don’t think small amounts of natural sugar are to harmful to them. The sugar could also be what has set S off.

We are taking small steps forward, but it is still difficult for me to wrap my head around eating healthily forever. I have loved my junk food, and somehow I need to flip the switch in my brain that tells me life is so much infinitely better with it. Besides the fantastic taste, it doesn’t make me feel good. It doesn’t do anything good in my body. So is it worth that amazing taste for a few seconds. Something I need to decide…Why does it seem like such a hard decision?

The Home Stretch

Today is day 29. We made it! Well pretty much. The last week we haven’t been seeing any differences in behaviour or how we feel physically, so we decided to begin adding things back in a few days early. This will be a tell all for S. We added legumes back into the kids diets a few days ago, and S and I added them in today. We also have been allowing small amounts of sugar back in, mostly in meat products (bacon, deli meat) We have still tried to keep these as clean as possible, choosing items that are sweetened with coconut sugar, cane sugar, honey or fruit juices.

At this point, we need to figure out the lifestyle we want to adopt. I enjoy the better moods we’ve all had, (the biggest changes were the second week with the kids) but I don’t love the effort it takes to keep ALL sugar out of our diet. I love having energy, but I don’t love giving up all of our favourite foods to have it. I love the energy S has had, there’s no con to that!

It feels like a more substantial decision than it was to go on the Whole 30; how to make a lifestyle that’s not overwhelmingly time consuming, and that won’t put our physical beings back into the sugar induced coma that we were in. Talking to S has given me some vague outlines to go on. We want refined sugar out. We want fast food out. We want canola oil out. We want refined grains out. We want dairy out, for the most part. Yogurt may be the exception for L and I. K can’t have dairy anyways, so this isn’t new to our family. Depending on how the reintroduction of foods goes for S, there may be more that we want to stay away from. So basically a clean eating diet, with some Paleo thrown in.

I have spent all week in reflection, trying to figure out what we’ve learned in all this; beyond the physical selves, into the other parts of our being. I can only comment on what I’ve observed in my family, but what I’ve learned is a little more in depth.

I’ve learned that it is difficult to love myself more than I love things that bring me immediate pleasure. Given the right mindset, I would still choose a Big Mac over my physical well being. This process did not change that, it just made me realize how ingrained it is in me. It’s going to take more work to break free of this mindset.

I also choose what is easy, rather than that which is best. Even within the Whole 30 boundaries, I would choose fruit rather than cut up more veggies.  L was the same way.

Most importantly though, I learned that I CAN make good decisions. I HAVE the will power to withstand temptation. I CAN stop eating when I am satisfied. I HAVE the mercy in my heart to forgive myself when I make mistakes. And I HAVE the strength to get back up after I fail and try again. I hope that life will not cause me to forget these things.

It is almost pointless to try this with kids. Although I did see a significant change in attitude and mood in week 2, weeks 3 and 4 were full of craziness. But all of this craziness in kids could be attributed to so many things; too much excitement, too much TV, not enough sleep, full moon, etc. With so many factors attributing to children’s health, it was hard to tell what was food and what was not.

I will say that we are thinking that L’s stomach issues are not dairy as we thought. None of her bathroom habits changed much. I am now looking a gut healing options for her, as she was on a vast amount of very strong antibiotics when she was younger and that may have ruined her gut. I’ve already made bone broth and want to add more gelatin into her diet as well (the non-sugared kind). I guess when we add dairy back in we will find out for sure.

K has no problems with food, other than totally being addicted to junk. But if it stays out of the house, it’s not a problem.

S, the inspiration behind the journey, has benefited the most. I know that he has felt supported in all this. He has had relief from his stomach issues. He has had constant energy instead of drastic lows during the day. He has had a clearer mind at work. And I hope that he has found hope in this journey. Hope that he is not doomed to a mediocre life. But that he will experience life abundant, as God wishes him to.

For these reasons alone, Whole 30 was worth it!